Welcome to my life... [well part of it]

The Lunch Room

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 01:08:13 GMT

I'm not entirely sure if any one still reads my Livejournal but this is the last place I can think to promote my website.

It's called The Lunch Room and the address is thelunchroom.net. I have a podcast there and a webcomic called A Theatre Near You. The podcast is called The Lunch Table and can also be found on iTunes under the same name.

You can contact us via:

Twitter: thelunchroom
Email: Lunchfansatgmaildotcom

Hope you all check out what we've been working on and I hope you enjoy it if you do.

Alyson Trisch

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:05:13 GMT

This is tough. Sorta. See recently, in an effort to stave off boredom at work, I re-read all my old LJ entries. It was interesting to see how I was, and to revisit old feelings. The one thing I JUST realized though is that 90% of my entries were me bitching, and the other 10% was random video game or movie news. It doesn’t necessarily make me sad to think about that fact. No, I’d say it makes me happy. My second to last entry was in October, about 7 months ago, give or take a week. I think the reason for that is that nothings been really wrong since then, and things weren’t bad when I wrote that entry either. I guess its kind of like being in a relationship, you really only tell your friends about the bad things that happen and you keep the good things to yourself, and then they wonder why you are in the relationship. I think it has more to do with trying to explain your happiness. It’s almost like trying to explain it would some how diminish how happy it made you cause you could never describe it to its fullest.

I’m happy right now, probably happier than I have been in a LONG time. Its been more than 2 years since I’ve been this happy. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy... playing Exalted with John and Jason, Coaching Hockey, Playing Rock Band, having dinner with my family, playing CoD 4 with Andy, Danner, Rob and Jason, going to dinner/breakfast with Rob, going to Grand Rapids with friends for dinner, and lets not forget last summer, I was happy then too. So when I say I am happier now than I have ever been I want you to understand HOW happy I am.

I’m border line crying right now thinking about how happy I am, well my eyes are watering up at least. I feel like a ballon thats about to burst, and when/if it does, I know I’ll cry, and it won’t be the same crying as when Billie left me, or when I almost got kicked out of my townhouse in Grand Rapids, no it’ll be tears of immense joy. If some one had told me in January or hell, any time in the last 2 years that I would feel this way right now, I would have returned their comment with a cynical “yea right”.

In 2006 I wrote and entry about doing my own thing, about finding myself, and doing what I wanted to do for a change, let others be damned. I even went so far as to say I wasn’t going to bend over backwards for anyone, but I also said that inevitably there would be a girl that could get me to change, that there would be a girl that I would bend over backwards for, yes there’s a girl in this story, to say I would bend over backwards for this girl maybe the greatest understatement of my affections for this girl. It doesn’t help that she is the first girl I have met in the over 2 years, and by met I mean spent more than a couple minutes with and actually had meaningful conversation. And it doesn’t help that she is the first girl I have met since I took a time out to find myself. It doesn’t help that I have the means to support myself and a relationship. And it certainly doesn’t help that everyone that has met her has liked her. When I say it certainly doesn’t help, I’m not filing complaints, I’m saying to doesn’t help me to be away from her for ANY stretch of time. When I am with her I feel calm and relaxed, I’m not worried about money, or how I’m going to get some where or whether she’s having a good enough time (ok, I still worry about that a little), but not as much as I used to. I am just with her.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time talking about her, but I am going to spend some time talking about how she makes me feel.

I said earlier that there would be one girl that could make me change. She hasn’t made me change, she’s certainly made me want to change though. And while shes never asked me to do anything for her, shes gotten everything shes ever hinted at in a conversation with me. Not because I felt I had to, but because for the first time ever, I could. I feel a lot like the old me, in relationships, around her. I’m paying attention to her (almost too much I think), I’m remembering everything, and I’m living up to my promises, and none of it is cause I feel I need to, only cause I want to.

In return I get to spend my time with what I can only deem is God’s greatest achievement to date. I can see how one could construe this to be an overkill description, but in my eyes, and those are the only ones that matter here, it isn’t. I hang on her every word as if each one is giving me the water I so badly need to live. And being in her presence takes me to place I can not even begin to describe, and it makes it all the harder when we have to part, I literally feel as though I am leaving Heaven.

We spend more days together as the weeks pass by, and more time together on those days as they go by. I’ve tried to find the faults in her, I’ve tried to find the annoyances in her, I’ve tried to find reasons to NOT be with her, to remain resolute in my singleness, but any faults, annoyances, or reasons that I HAVE found, are new relationship quirks, and everyday they are becoming less and less of an issue (not that they were in any way shape or form). Almost like cutting diamond, every relationship has its faucets and no diamond is ever 100% pure, but if you asked me right now I’d say it was pretty damn close, and I know this diamond can only shine brighter.

One of the reasons I’ve felt like writing any of this is cause recently she made me feel wanted, EXTREMELY wanted, and mostly by using a trick out of my book, and something I told her early on... you have to make time for the important things, if you can’t do that than how important can they be. Shes made a lot of time for me lately, and I am extremely great-full for it. She came over this past Monday before she went to class, and again on Tuesday when she said she was busy, and again last night after she got out of work. Some times she’s around for only 30 minutes, and other times shes around for 8 hours, but the amount of time spent is no where near proportionate to the quality of time we spend together. When she came over on Tuesday I was generally excited to see her, so much so that I was trying to hug her while she was taking her shoes off, I just couldn’t help myself, I literally latched on to her the second she got in the door. She came over as a surprise for me, and she said had I not been there she would have gone to my parents to find me, that thought alone has totally made all the difference in the world, I mean short of stamping one down how much more wanted could one feel?

I have to take a break and admit that none of this is coming out as smoothly as I wanted it too, but I am still trying. I don’t think I can move on with out at least talking about how I feel about her in some way, so I’ll start with my favorite physical feature about her and move on from there.

She has these eyes that are as dark an endless as space. As if God himself bottled space, stars and all, and gave them to her to see the world though. If I look long enough I start to get lost, and feel as though I may never come back, and I wouldn’t want to. I could live happily a drift in her eyes.

I’ve recently taken to calling us the sun and the moon, mainly cause she has this smile that can burn through just about anything bothering me, and when she does her face lights up so brightly that if it weren’t for her eyes, I’d be blinded. I on the other hand am the moon, but that should have been obvious to any one who knows me.

If her words are my water supply, then her voice is the oxygen that I need to breathe. Its so soft and passionate it relaxes me almost instantaneously.

These things together leave me with this incredible sense to relaxation. Like finishing a puzzle, or the way you feel after getting caught in a summer rain.

She says I take her breathe away, and I believe her cause I can hear it when I take it, but she literally steals mine and then floors me, at least once if not twice a day. It’s hard to describe the way I feel when I am around her, but when her and I are apart I get to think about what she means to me, and how I feel about her. One would think this time would be use to calm ones self and figure out what’s real, but then I realize it was all real, none of it is over exaggerated or said just for the sake of making her or I feel special and my heart starts to slow, and my chest tighten, my legs go numb and my stomach starts to twist its self and every thought in my mind ceases to exist and all I am left with in my little corner of the world are thoughts her, thoughts of us.

Thoughts of her eyes on me, her smiling at me, and her voice soothing me, telling me she loves me.

Thoughts of her and I lying in bed holding each other close for hours at a time soaking each other up, protecting each other from the reality thats screaming at us right outside the window.

Thoughts of her and I having dinner, and maybe one day a meal prepared by myself with candles.

Thoughts of taking long drives with her hand in mine tucked up nice an close to her heart.

Thoughts of sitting on a pier watching the sun set as she shivers and I pull us closer to keep warm.

Thoughts of waking up next to some one that beautiful and not wanting to move for fear of disturbing her.

Thoughts of the next time I’ll be able to kiss your lips, your cheek, your shoulder, your hands, your chest.

Thoughts of our next linger kiss.

Thoughts of you crying in my arms only to pull away laughing with tears in your eyes cause I said something stupid.

Thoughts of ways to take your breathe away the next time I see you.

Thoughts of how much happier I can be, and at this moment, I don’t believe it to be possible, but by the time the day is over, I know I will be.

Thoughts of the next time I’ll be able to tell you I love.

Thoughts of what we will talk about on the phone the next time, and how I’ll waste so much time trying to craft that one single phrase that will just floor you.

Thoughts of how if I could ever put in to words how much I love you, and what you truly mean to me, that this world, my world, would end, and our world would start.

I’m happy, and for better or worse, right now you are the one making me happy. I can only hope that one day I’ll be the one to truly make you happy. You’re so close, very VERY, close to being my everything. The thought of being able to finally give you everything I have, to give you my mind, my body, and my soul, scares me, but in the best possible way one could think to be scared.

Alyson...

...

I really like you

I love that you’re a girl

You’re an 11

I love you

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:13:46 GMT

its been awhile. I'm still alive, still working at the theatre, still making money, still playing videogames, and still chasing girls I can't have. Same old me.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 02:49:09 GMT

I'd forgotten how exhausting good conversation could be.

[mcp]

Hoping

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 05:39:23 GMT

I'm hoping that some how this Fall will be better than last Fall.

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 18:21:56 GMT

Its been 4 years, and there have been others in my life, but none that can wash the slate I scribbled on with you clean to start a new.

Worst tech day ever

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 17:54:25 GMT

So far my 360 has bricked on me (I got red ringed at midnight) and Front Row won't launch on my MacBook. I've called customer support about my 360 and they are sending me out a box to send in my $400 brick so they can make it work again. I CAN'T call Apple support about Front Row, and I CAN'T trouble shoot it myself as I am running a beta build of OS X Leopard and anything I do basically breaks the computer even more.

So my 360 is dead and my MacBook is a Leper. My iPhone is still wonderful though I am impatiently waiting for the 1.1.1 update thats supposed to be coming, and I bought another ringtone today. That made my day brighter.

Later days

[mcp]

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 20:35:37 GMT

Well I am one step closer to going back to school. I filled out and submitted my FAFSA forms, albeit with the help of my gracious sister. I am also one step closer to losing my head again;-P

Later days

[mcp]

Yes officer, I do have a license for this air guitar.

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 04:38:07 GMT

Nothing quite like bombing around dirt roads while belting out 70's and 80's rock songs with a good friend... oh and the no handed driving while busting out the air guitars is just awesome!

Later days

[mcp]

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 07:15:39 GMT

It took a couple days, and a couple stupid situations but I got to the bottom of my problem or problems and I feel much better now.

Later days

[mcp]

Say the right thing to the wrong person and its still the wrong thing.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 19:14:31 GMT

Not entirely sure who still reads this, but I'm still alive, so if you read this and you've tried to kill me... you've failed.

Its summer, and being that its 2007 that puts in and odd numbered year. Those are the crazy ones for me I'm starting to think. Even years are nice and easy and... fun, and the odd years are crazy, chaotic and well... fun, but in a different way.

In many ways I'm starting to think I'm like an almanac, looking to the past to try and figure out the future. Some people think that history repeats, others don't. I'm not quite sure what I think yet, but as stated above, my even years are the same and my odd years re the same.

I look to my past to figure out what I should do next based off of the situation I'm in in the present to determine where its going to end up in the future. Thats not saying that I can't improvise, improvising is what I do the most in the odd years, so I think I'm pretty could at it. But I'm calculating and borderline manipulative, though I have yet to meet some one that says its in a bad way, but if you think about it, and I have, can you use the word manipulative in a good way to describe yourself? I submit that you can not, but I still do.

~The past is a tricky thing. It gets us to where we are in the present, and we think we should never look back on it. However if we don't recognize our pasts then we really aren't anything in the present, and we become restricted to what we can be in the future.

-Me, believe it or not:-)

Later days

[mcp]

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 01:28:14 GMT

I have a date friday evening with a girl I've had a crush for a little over a year.

Later days

[MCP]

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 23:37:50 GMT

first livejournal update from my iphone:-)

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 05:37:11 GMT

So for no other reason than to just see how many movie posters I have gotten since 2004 I made a list and I will share it with you now.

I have 32 still my possession, they are...

Slither
Charlottes Web (2nd printing)
Final Destination 3
Basic Instinct 2
Home on the Range
Inside Man
Mission Impossible: 3 (x2 Teaser and 1 Final)
War of the Worlds (x2 Teaser)
Hot Fuzz (Final)
28 Weeks Later (Final and Teaser)
Dikes of Hazzard
She's the Man
Stick It
Casino Royale (Final)
Serenity
The Prestige (Final)
Thank You For Smoking (Teaser)
Ocean's 12
Batman Begins (Final #1)
Superman Returns (Final 1st print)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (Final)
Smoking Aces
Ultraviolet
Good Luck Chuck (Jessica Alba)
Knocked Up (Final U.S. Release)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Lord of War
King Kong

-----

Posters I've had and given away...

Snakes on a Plane (Teaser)
Charlottes Web (x2 First Printing)
War of the Worlds (x2 Final)
Batman Begins (Finals 2,3, and 4)
Da Vinci Code (Teaser)
X2 (Teaser)
Hitch
Bridge to Terabithia
Happily N'ver After
Get Rich or Die Drying (Front and Back)
The Interpreter
In Good Company
Meet the Fockers

Thats all I can think of right now... I think for some reason there are more but I can't think of them.

Just thought I would share.

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 20:32:47 GMT

NEW MAROON 5!!!

The song is Makes Me Wonder. I like it a lot.

Moved...

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 20:17:06 GMT

Well I moved out of my Grandmothers basement. I am living with my sister (Nicole) in a 2 bedroom apartment in Heatherwood. I like it a lot. The social part withstanding it reminds me of living in the dorms freshman year and in Laker Village. Makes me happy.

I am happy don't get me wrong, good job, good friends, great TV, great computer. I'm just bored. I think its me just settling into my life even further, and I know it will pass, but for right now I'm just really bored. My Wii isn't exciting anymore, just fun (I bowled a 300 yesterday in Wii sports), my 360 is just sitting there. I need new games for each of them, I get Wii Play in like a week though so thats good.

Coaching hockey is going well, thats about the only time I am not bored, lol. Jason, John, and myself are supposed to start playing Exalted here again real soo. Jason up graded Briggam, and I made Ramsus sister Scarlett. This should be fun since I have a first aig airship. Shes really more of a playable NPC, and thats fine by me, I'm a better supporting role player than a leader, unless its Alaric. Any how that starts soon, so that will be new and exciting, and hopefully different from any other campaign I have been apart of.

Okay, so yea, I'm still alive, still don't have a girlfriend, but thats np big deal (though one would be nice).

Any one wants to come hang out with me in my new place is more than welcome, just give me a call or IM me and I'll pass on the directions.

Later Days

[mcp]

New computer

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 16:29:14 GMT

I bought a new computer the other day.

About 3 years ago I bought my first Mac. It was an iBook and I immediately fell in love with it. I never bought it to replace the Windows machine I had at the time, I just wanted a small portable notebbok computer, and I was ready for something new, so I bought the Mac. I named her Edward after Ed from Cowboy BeBop. Why? Cause it was cute, childish, and had a lot of potential. A lot more than I probably ever used. I broke it (software wise) numerous times, and each time I learned more and more.

Last Tuesday was the last day I spent with Edward.

I bought a new computer. I went with another Mac as well, I fell in love with OS X. I bought White MacBook. Her name is Sakaki after my Favorite Azumanga Daioh character. More importantly, like Sakaki, the MacBook is considered "cool" but it wants to be "cute". I'll post a review after some use, but so far, HOT DAMN is she fast.

Later Days

[mcp]

*Sakaki is my user icon for this post if you all were curious

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 05:41:35 GMT

I'm trying to fight an emotional relapse. In an effort to get my TiVo hooked to my TV I tore the basement apart looking for a cable splitter, alas I found none, but what I did find that brought my search to a screeching halt was a picture taken of me with Jessica the second weekend we were together, I looked so happy. What the hell happened? I have no idea and I am trying not to relapse and think about it too much. What happened happened and theres nothing I can do about it.

... great picture though.

Memories

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 20:42:12 GMT

So I went driving around today, I drove down M-15. For those of you who don't know I spent a couple of years on M-15. Its a stretch of road running from Davison to I-75 (I know it goes farther north, just not for me). I found some places I used to go, places I have been a couple times, and while I could remember going there, and who I was with, and when, I can't remember what I talked about with the people there, I used to think I could, but when I was driving I realized I couldn't, and I also realized there is an ice cream place in Goodrich that I have been to once 4 years ago that I have no idea how to get to. Normally I would have come home and cried and beat the shit out of myself trying to remember, but something was different this time, I coulnd't have cared less. Sure I remember the big things and the big conversations that I have had over the last 7 years, but the little stuff that used to bother me cause I couldn't remember, doesn't. I think this is a good sign that mentally I am ready move forward and to stop trying to stay connected to the past, that my brain is finally cleaning out the closet so I can store new memories.

My PS2

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 04:28:19 GMT

Okay, so in sheer boredom I went through my PS2 library. Total I have owned 29

Total I have: 24 games

2001:
Zone of the Enders***
Dark Cloud***
Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec**
Tony Hawks Pro Skater 3**
Grand Theft Auto III**
Devil May Cry***
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty***
Final Fantasy X*

2002:
Stuntman**
SOCOM US Navy Seals*
Madden 2003*
Kingdom Hearts**
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City***
Devil May Cry 2*

2003:
Xenosaga Episode 1*
Dark Cloud 2*
NHL 2004***

2004:
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater*

2005:
Gran Turismo 4**
NHL 06***

2006:
NHL 07***
Amplitude***
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 07*
Devil May Cry 3*

PS2 games I have misplaced or traded in:

2000:
Madden 2001**
Armored Core 3*

2001
Silent Hill 2*
Shaun Palmers Pro Snowboarder**
NHL 2002***

I've gone ahead and listed them in purchase order. Up until my purchases in 2006 all of them have been on the games release date or with in a week. And thankfully my list makes it easy to show the big time span from 2005 to 2006 I went one year with out purchasing a video game (for my PS2), as you can see from my NHL 06 and 07 purchases. The biggest gap is from my purchase of NHL 2004 to my purchase of Metal Gear Solid 3 some 14 months later.

Yes, I have a Gamecube, maybe you think I bought games for that...

I own 5 games for it

2001:
Smash Brothers**
Pikmin***

2002:
Metroid Prime***

2004:
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles***
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes*

So no, I wasn't buying games for my Cube, in fact I hardly played it. But I find myself playing more and more games lately, I bought Amplitude and love it, I bought DMC 3 and I am LOVING that, and of course Tiger, which I learned is only fun for me when I play against some one, and jason and I are still enjoying NHL 07, and I have my DS that I play at work. Maybe its that I find myself bored like I am now, but I am not playing games right now, or maybe its cause I am going to purchase a new TV and don't just want to stare at its awesomeness, but want content to play on it. I dunno, but I like that I am playing games again.

*Haven't played it longer than a couple of hours

**Played for more than a couple months and or almost finished

***Either beaten or played through more than one (1) season

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 05:28:15 GMT

THE LAST PERSON U ...

1. You hung out with?
Kris

2. Rode in a car with?
Kris (I took him home

3. Went to the movies with?
Jana

4. You went to the mall with?
Actually ... I haven't been to the mall in a while

6. You talked on the phone/IMed to?
John

7. Made you laugh?:
Jason

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue?
Don't like peirced noses, and a peirce tongue to me means no talent;-)

2. Be serious or be funny?
Funny

3. Drink whole or skim milk?:
2%

4. Die in a fire or drown?
Drown

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies?:
Parents

A N S W E R. T R U T H F U L L Y.

1. Do you like anyone?
Every day its some one new
------------------------------------------------

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.

1. Sun or moon?:
Moon

2. Winter or Fall?
Fall

3. left or right?
Right

4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends?:
2 Best Friends

5. Sunny or rain?
Drizzle

6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?
Chocolate

A B O U T . Y O U.

1.What Time Is It?
1:30 a.m.

2. First Name?:
Michael

3. What do you want to do?
Not for you to know

4. Where do you wanna live?
Denver Colorado

5. How many kids do you want?
2

6. Do you want to get married?
Not so much no

7. Have you ever done drugs?
Only over the counter and perscription

8. what do you like on your pizza?
Pepperoni, green peppers, and fresh tomatoes

9. Can you cross your eyes?
Yep

10. Do you make your bed daily?
Never

1. Which shoe goes on first?
I have no idea

2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?
I may have

3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl

4. Have you ever eaten Spam?
Yes

3. Favorite ice cream?
Boston cream pie (Cold Stone)

4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet?
5

5. Do you cook?
Mac and cheese

6. Current mood?
Calm?

---- IN . THE. LAST. 48 HOURS. HAVE. YOU.

1. kissed some one?
Only in my mind

2. Sang?
Yes

3. Been hugged:
No

4. Felt stupid:
Every 30 minutes, I hide it well

5.Missed someone:
Not so much

6. Danced Crazy?
Lately when its late and I go for a walk and I have my iPod, you bet

7. Gotten your hair cut?
No

8. Cried:
No

9. been kissed:
Again, only in my mind

. S T U F F .

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
No

2. do you have a Dog?
No

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
4 Years ago

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
With some one

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Something like that

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes

The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away ...

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 06:39:03 GMT

Fair warning, this is one of those journal entries where I just dump everything out in the open to make myself feel better. Will it make sense, maybe but only to me. You have been warned and you are welcome to skip this entry if you so please.

Still with me? Okay good, I think. For about the last week I have been tackling some pretty big issues within myself and I have come up with some reasonable answer that satisfy me and give me some sort of direction. I have come up with a few pivotal moments that have changed the course of my life in a drastic way

Journey with me now back 9 years to the fall of 1997 for pivotal moment number One.

I had just spent the summer going to Colorado with my family, collecting Star Wars Micromachines, and playing Street Hockey with my sister (Mary), Katie, Dan, Jeff, Tito, and Courtney. You may remember a couple years back (3) I wrote an entry about a moment that summer involving me and Courtney. Any how when school started that year the friendship that had my sister Mary and Courtney had made started to dissolve in to a rather sloppy mess culminating in an evening out with our church group and the two of them getting in to a fight. Now in a effort to do the "good brother" thing I confronted Courtney about it the next day at school pinning her against the wall and then tripping her as she tried to get away in front of the school lunch ladies. Needless to say we wound up in the office trying to explain what was going on to the principle. I had never been sent to the principles office, at least not since 5th grade so the secretaries found it odd enough to tell my mother that I had been in the office later that day when she came to pick Mary up from school.

There was another incident that year involving so Middle Schoolers committing suicide and I was dating a freshman at the time that I had known them, and even though I knew what I was supposed to say and how to act, I went against what I was supposed to say and instead said what I FELT I should say, I called the kids idiots for killing themselves, and I honestly believed that. Oh I got smacked, but I didn't care I was speaking out for what I believed and no girlfriend was going to stop me from that.

My life after that incident with confrontation returned to normal, or as normal as it could have been in my house hold.

Moment number two climaxed in the fall of 1998 to be specific but thats not really the point here. I spent the summer of 1998 in Manistee where my parents had bought a house the year before. Jason was with me for about a week and we had a blast just walking around the town and talking. After he went home I stayed in Manistee and got a job working the night shift at a local supermarket. I would get out of work at around 6 in the mourning and go to a local diner for a bagel and some hot chocolate (yea I thought I was hot shit). Even my mom would meet me a few times a week and we would talk about various things that I needed to do in order to be able to graduate from highschool and about life in general. I had never been closer to my mom in my life, even though I was her first born and she had done everything in the world for me from day one, I felt her and I grew together that summer more so than we had in recent years.

Then school started, and I knew what I had to do. I had to go to my classes, I had to pay attention, and I had to do my school work. Well no less than maybe 2 weeks in to the school year, the Sunday after Fall Kick Off Camp with the church I got a phone call from a girl I had met the year before (Kristen). She told me how she was friends with this girl I went to church with, Nikki, and that she had a crush on me. While the name sounded familiar I couldn't remember for the life of me what she looked like, so I said sure she can call me after 8 and I went to go find the church directory that had member photos in it, SCORE! She was a cutie.

Nikki and I hit it off nicely and we talked for hours a day sometimes and we couldn't get enough of each other, I always knew exactly what to say and when to say it, and how to say it. She often told me that I made her feel safe, there was just something in my voice and a warmth in my arms that made her feel secure, she started calling me Angel Eyes, and she was my Little Girl. There was one night when my parents wanted me off the phone to go to bed but Nikki and I were in the middle of an argument and I asked them to give me five minutes so i could fix the problem, they laughed of course saying it couldn't be done, but I did it and my dad was some what impressed. Then one night when she was over, being a guy and her a girl things where bound to happen, and things did happen, about second base if you want to get specific, and well on Sunday night I called her from church and she told me with tears in her voice that she "might be pregnant". My mind reeled and I said no way, and she said she might be. Not wanting to be the one to throw the words "you're an idiot" at a girl I cared about I started to think that maybe she was right. I talked to Jason later that night and he assured me that it was impossible for that to happen based on the description that I had given him. That reassured me, but I couldn't just go tell Nikki that it couldn't have happened so I kept my mouth shut and told her I wasn't going to leave her, and I wasn't. By Wednesday it had gotten annoying and my strength in the idea that it was in no way possible was getting weaker by the minute, I decided to go talk to the one other girl I could trust in my life, my mom.

Bad move.

She wasn't happy, I mean what parent would be, I was 17 and Nikki was 14. Words like "statutory rape" and the "what were you guys thinking" where flying all around. And then my parents got her parents involved and everything went to shit. My question of "Could this even happen" never really got answered by my mom, or my dad, or by any one accept by me and Nikki when she eventually had her period. But by then it was already to late, the relationship had the "parent wedge" firmly lodged between Nikki and I being together. There were other factors at work here too, like how the Friday before Homecoming the school sent home progress report and I got one for every class I was in that said "In Danger of Failing". Now to clarify this (and I checked it with the teachers), it meant only that I had nothing higher than a "C", in fact they were all "C"'s with one "D+". My mom told me I was to come straight home after the homecoming football game and that I was not going out after the dance either. I was bummed, and then to make matters worse she was no where to be seen on homecoming day. My dad took our pictures while my mom spent her day in her room.

So yea, I can see how all that and then going to her about the pregnancy thing a couple weeks later didn't help much of anything, but I still thought I could trust after, I mean after all the time we spent together that summer.

Lets move on to November of '98 at my sisters Baptism. My parents had forbid me to see Nikki, and even though her and I went to the same church my parents went out of there way to make sure I couldn't talk to her, including running out of church after the service so we could leave immediately. Well on this particular Sunday I had had enough, and I spoke up in the church parking lot. See I had to be to work at 11:30, church got out at 11:00 and the next service started at 11:30. Nikki was going to this service, I wanted to talk to her for 5 minutes and then walk to work (I worked at Kessel/Kroger). My parents told me no and that they would drive me to work. They wanted to drive all the way home and then back to take me to work. I said it was a waste of time and things escalated. Exactly what was isn't important, what is important is that I suddenly felt empowered and all I had was the love of a single girl. I seriously thought I could do anything. I shocked my parents, and I am pretty sure I shocked everyone else as well. Any way after that display I got my way, my parents left, I talked to Nikki shortly and then I walked to work. When it was time for me to get out of work is when I started to worry. My dad had always picked me up, but we didn't discuss anything sense the blow-up (obviously). He wasn't there when I got out of work so i walked to my Grandmas and he showed up there to take me home. Oh he lectured me, but I don't remember about what. When I got home I found my room destroyed. My TV, my radio, my playstation, everything that was in my room that my mom thought I cared about more had a hammer taken to it. I didn't care.

That was defining moment number 2. Defining moment number 3 didn't come until Spring of 2003.

December of 1998 Nikki and I hit our worst batch. We were struggling to see each other and in an effort to make things easier she opted to break up with me and see some one a little younger. The day before X-Mas break started him and I exchanged words in the hallway, well it was more me burying him alive under words. Again I was supposed to go home after school but I decided that I would hang out with Brian and Jason after school and have him take me to work. Well my dad picked me up this time and when we pulled in the drive way this time all my things were sitting in it. My dad had no idea what was going on. He helped me pack my things in to the van and then took my over to my grandmas.

Long story short my dad came and got my to move back in on New Years Eve, I spent that night with Nikki at the church and things got better between her and I. My parents enrolled me at the Zimmerman Center and said I was no longer grounded and that I could call Nikki all I wanted. They even got me my own phone line so I could be available whenever we had the chance to talk. Now the only hang ups where on her parents end not liking me. In February Jason and Brian introduced me to Casie and Holli and Nikki and I finally threw in the towel. I was heart broken. I rebounded with Casie though.

After Casie and I broke up a couple months later I pursued her friend Holli, through her I met her sister Staci and though Staci I met Billie. Billie and I dated from October 1999 to March of 2003. The relationship was a lot like Nikki and I's in the beginning. Her parents got in the way, but we stuck it out. I was a freakin rock. I could take anything that life was throwing at me. Like before I knew what, how, and when to say it. I never doubted Billie and I, though in the beginning I told her she would be the one to break up with me, and the longer we were together the more we encountered and the closer we got. I moved back in with my parents when i was with her and then had another falling out a year later. Our relationship was always long distance with her first being in a different high school and then her going off to Michigan State for school and then transferring to Western to finish. It was a lot of trust but we got through it all, and we knew things would be alright in the end.

Well 3 1/2 years later Billie did dump me, and I was devastated. I didn't know what to do with my self, and sure enough I get out of school for the summer, back to my safe spot and my grandma gets admitted to the hospital. I had had it. I felt like I was a damn punching bag. First my parents and that mess, then Nikki, then Billie, and now my grandma. I wasn't a huge fan of church, never have been. I go for Easter, X-Mas and maybe a couple other times a year. Here comes moment number 3 ...

While my grandma was in the hospital I went up to our church. I walked in to the sanctuary and stood before our statue of Jesus on the cross and started yelling. Yelling at him, at God, at any religious figure I could think of. I told them I was sick of not getting any help, of always getting the short end of things and having things taken away from me. I was alone in there, and I started to cry as I said all this and more, like how he abandoned me and more about how he only helped others around me achieve in their lives.

Something happened that day that I didn't realize till now. I had changed around that time, I knew I had changed, I had always known it, but it wasn't till now that I realized why. For the first time since 1997 I was alone, I was weak. I spent that summer lashing out at people, causing problems cause I didn't know what to say, or how to say it, or when. I was a cold hearted nothing. I tried to get with Nikki again and in the attempt got her to break up with her current girlfriend for no reason and would eventually stop talking her a couple months later. Went after a hot Russian and caused SOOOO much drama between my friends and me that things are still awkward, and well I became in general an asshole and believed that was all that I was capable of being from then on.

I went back to school in the fall and met a wonderful girl named Jessica, I met her twice in one night on the bus to and from downtown. It was fate, it had to be, I started calling her my Angel, my saving grace, and for awhile I was happy again, but unlike Nikki and I's relationship, and unlike Billie and I's relationship, the longer it went on, the farther apart Jessica and I got. In about a year Jessica and I would be a dead relationship, holding on to nothing out of the fear of being alone, at least on my part. It all started when I moved back home for the second semester cause I got kicked out of GVSU. I started driving out every weekend to be with her, sometimes driving her home so she could hang out with me in a different place and do different things. I was putting in so much effort to make it work. When summer came things got easier, but I still did a lot of the driving, but thats cause I had the money, and well I was the guy. When she went back to school in the fall of '04 I moved to the other side of the state with no money, no job, and no car. I honestly believed that Jessica and I could make it happen if we wanted it bad enough, after all that was the idea behind our relationship, if we wanted it, we just went and got it. I got a job at the theatre in Grand Rapids and she would drive me to and from work, but this drove a wedge between us, she became ungrateful of the gesture of my moving out there to be with her, and seemed to forget about all the driving I had done just 6 months earlier to make things work. I understood the toll it took on a relationship, Billie and I lasted 3 years with that strain. Jessica and I didn't last a year. Things went down hill after the New Year with getting rejected for management twice at work and Jessica just kept pushing away. I eventually got my car back, but like they always say, to little to late. The cancer was already firmly entrenched and no matter how hard I tried my Angel just slipped away from me. I didn't have what it took to make it work, I couldn't say the right things, do the right things, or act the right way, even though I knew I had once been able to do it, and it hurt me to no end to see myself treat Jessica like that.

There were glimpses of my former self in the Summer of 2005 when I was with Nicole, but I still didn't have the strength to make it work on my end and it fell to nothing. I tried in vane to rekindle what Jessica and I had in the fall of '05 and though I fought for it, I didn't have the strength, or the will. Then there was Kelley, another brief failed relationship and then there was nothing.

There are lots of different definitions of what "nothing" is ...

nothing |ˈnəθi ng | pronoun not anything; no single thing : I said nothing | there's nothing you can do | they found nothing wrong. • something of no importance or concern : “What are you laughing at?” “Oh, nothing, sir.” | they are nothing to him | [as n. ] no longer could we be treated as nothings. • (in calculations) no amount; zero. adjective [ attrib. ] informal having no prospect of progress; of no value : he had a series of nothing jobs. adverb not at all : she cares nothing for others | he looks nothing like the others. • [ postpositive ] informal used to contradict something emphatically : “This is a surprise.” “Surprise nothing.”

... and I think it means something different to every one. It's kinda like saying you don't have any friends, when you do, the number of friends you have just isn't what you want it to be. Example. I have between 3 and 6 friends from the other side of the state, depending on the weather and the day of the week, but since it isn't a great number I say I have no friends from the other side of the state in an effort to paint a pic of how bleak everything is from the 4 years I spent there, and the same goes for if I am describing to some one my life here, no friends. But I do have friends here, and I talk to at least one friend every day as well.

But I had nothing in me, I had nothing left to give to any one, not even myself. I used my last ounce of will to quit my projection job in Grand Rapids and move back home to do the same thing for more money. THEN I was done. I surrounded myself with older friends that I didn't have to work very hard to maintain the relationships, and I haven't really branched out in an effort to meet people until now, some 9 1/2 months since my last relationship.

3 weeks ago my grandma came home from church and said she had Nikki's number for me. I had asked her try and get it when I moved back, but she wasn't able to until then. I waited to call her cause I didn't want to screw things up like I had 3 years earlier, and I still don't want to screw things up, but her and I have been talking, and things are going better this time around, despite the fact she has a kid and what not, but thats another journal entry (I guess the cats out of the bag now). I went to church with her last Sunday and I sat there thinking about everything, how life works, and everything that I have been through, everything that I have seen, and everything that I have indirectly influenced with my actions and then I started thinking about how people say God works through people. It was almost like being able to look back and see what the "butterfly effect" was that I had on life.

I am not saying I was God, or that I am a God, or that I was possessed, but really when you look back the things that changed the most where when I lost my integrity, my will, my confidence, my strength, when I walked into the sanctuary and cursed the Lord that all changed. I used to feel the way I do right now a long time ago, passive, watching people, but never acting, but I haven't felt the way I did for those 6 years since I walked in to Faith Lutheran Church and bitched about getting shit on repeatedly. I am starting to think that I was one of the people God was working through to help other people. That my words weren't my words, my strength wasn't my strength and so on and so forth. All the "power" I had came into my life and matured over a year and exploded violently on those around me forcing them to do things they wouldn't do, accept things they wouldn't accept, and to see people for how they should be seen. For everything bad thing that God threw at me something positive has come from it, until I cursed him for not helping me enough. My life seriously changed that day, and I honestly believe that, and I have been talking to God again in an effort for him to hopefully choose me as worthy enough again to serve him. The weird thing about all of this is that I am not a religious person to begin with, and to think that God would use me to help others is almost absurd, but I honestly think he was. I have not been the same since, I haven't had the will, strength, pride, confidence, you name it, I haven't had since that day 3 years ago. And since I have been thinking about this, and talking to God I have felt better, more alive if you will, more out going, more willing. If this all seems absurd to you, just remember it is to me too, but it's how I feel.

The person I was 3 years ago, for the span of 6 years, I thought it was me, but I realize now that it wasn't, and I feel like a fool for taking advantage of it, for claiming it as my own claiming I had merely lost it as if it was something be miss placed or locked away, when it wasn't even mine to begin with. It was mine to use as I saw fit, but what I saw wasn't what I saw, it was what the Lord saw, and I would give anything to see the world the way he does, to hear it the way he does, to touch it the way he does everyday. I want to be one the Lords Angels again.

... The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:35:17 GMT

Some people believe that God works through the people around us. Do you think you would be able to notice if you were one of the ones that God was working through? Or do you think you would know/realize it after he was done working through you?

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 04:20:45 GMT

At what point does too much coinsidence become more than chance?

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 04:00:07 GMT

I haven't felt this sedated after a telephone call in years.